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260 Best Dad Jokes That Are Actually Funny

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

Dad jokes are both beloved and despised—like corny puns, they're funny because they're so not funny. But what makes a dad joke different from a regular pun? The signature of a dad joke is that it's utterly uncool. Grandma may be the queen of nonsensical sayings, but Dad is certainly the king of cheesy jokes. Whether we're willing to admit it or not, sometimes these jokes are actually funny. Add these brilliant one-liners and puns to your repertoire, and you'll be on your way to matching Dad's pun-king status in no time.

Best Dad Jokes

Southern Living

• Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.
• I wondered why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
• Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.
• Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they golfing? In case they get a hole-in-one!
• Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
• Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is.
• I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger… // And then it hit me.
• Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
• What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.
• Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
• I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
• Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' Drizzle.
• Once I ate a fancy Italian restaurant. It cost a pretty penne.
• Why did the gym close down? It just didn't work out.
• Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
• What kind of music do mummies listen to? Wrap.
• Why did the car get a flat tire? Because there was a fork in the road!
• What do you call a cold puppy? A chili dog.
• Did you hear the sausage joke? It's the wurst.
• Where are average things manufactured? The Satisfactory.
• How can you tell it's a dogwood tree? From the bark.
• Why did the woman go on the date with the mushroom? Because he was a fun-ghi.
• Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
• What did one hat say to the other? Wait here, I'm going on ahead!
• Why shouldn't pigs drive? They hog the road.
• Did you hear about the guy who invented the "knock-knock" joke? He won the "no-bell" prize.
• Where do bad rainbows go? Prism, it's a light sentence.
• What does corn say when it gets a compliment? Aw, shucks!
• How do astronomers find asteroids headed toward earth? With a collide-o-scope.

Corny Dad Jokes

Southern Living

• What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me.
• What do you call a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.
• What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
• What should you do with a sick boat? Take it to the doc.
• What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear.
• Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
• What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
• Why are pigs so bad at sports? Because they always hog the ball.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.
• What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
• I hit in the head with a soda can. Thankfully it was a soft drink.
• What's the name of my cheese? Nacho cheese.
• Knock, knock. Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, cows go moo!
• What's the loudest pet you can own? A trumpet.
• What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
• What does a pampered cow give? Spoiled milk.
• John had a blind date to a fitness center. She didn't show up, so I guess they won't work out.
• I made a whopping six figures last year. I also was fired from the toy factory for being too slow.
• Knock, knock. Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? Hey, you can yodel!
• Why did the teddy bear skip dessert? She was stuffed.
• What did the left eye say to the right? Something smells between us.
• Why shouldn't you tell secrets in a cornfield? Too many ears.
• I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.
• What's it called when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
• What did the scarecrow win an award for? He was outstanding in his field.
• I don't know much about the best things in Switzerland, but their flag is a big plus.
• I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
• How many potatoes do you need to make a pancake? A latke.
• The wedding was so beautiful. Even the cake was in tiers.
• I hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Some would say that I nailed it.
• Why do Swedish battleships have bar codes on them? So they can Scandinavian.
• I invented a pencil with an eraser on each end. There's no point to it.

One-Liner Dad Jokes

Southern Living

• RIP boiling water, you will be mist.
• I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.
• A witch's vehicle goes brrroom brrroom!
• The waiter asked if I wanted a box for my leftovers, but I told him I'm not into fighting.
• If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?
• If the early bird catches the worm, I'll sleep in until there are pancakes.
• The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
• I used to be able to play the piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.
• Did Noah include termites on the ark?
• I used to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.
• Keep the dream alive, and hit the snooze button.
• I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I'm a faux pa.
• Whiteboards are remarkable.
• I'm afraid of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it.
• I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
• Some people think prison is one word, but to robbers, it's the whole sentence.
• I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
• Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
• Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
• I was at the park wondering why this frisbee kept getting bigger, and then it hit me.
• I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
• I had a dream about being a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
• Talk is cheap until you talk to a lawyer.
• A fish swam into a wall and said, "Dam!"
• A pony with a cough is just a little horse.
  
• It takes guts to be an organ donor.
  

Funny Dad Jokes

Southern Living

• I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!
• When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
• Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.
• Why was the little cookie sad? His mother was a wafer so long.
• What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.
• Did you hear about the dry cleaner who got arrested? He was laundering money.
• Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they golfing? In case they get a hole in one!
• Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
• Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is.
• Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
• Why did the picture get arrested? It got framed.
• Why do M&Ms go to school? Because they want to be a Smartie.
• Knock knock. Who's there? Tank. Tank who? You're welcome.
• How do you protect a bagel? Lox it up!
• I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
• What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef.
• What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
• Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All of the fans left.
• How did the phone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
• Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine? Because of his retractable clause.
• What kind of coffee does a vampire drink? De-coffin-ated.
• Today I gave my dead batteries away. They were free of charge.
• How do you keep a skunk from smelling? Hold its nose! 
• What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!
• Why can't you tell a taco a secret? They tend to spill the beans!
• The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
• What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
• A book fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame.
• Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.
• What did the horse say when he fell down? I've fallen and I can't giddy up.

Bad Dad Jokes

Southern Living

• What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
• Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.
• Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
• What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
• Did you hear about the power outlet who got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.
• Why did the nurse need a red pen? In case she needed to draw blood.
• Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I couldn't follow it.
• How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.
• Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!
• I'm afraid of the calendar. Its days are numbered.
• Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
• My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
• What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.
• I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.
• What's a pirate's favorite letter? (Person answers RRR) You'd think it would be Rrrr but it's really the C!
• I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel.
• Have you heard the rumor about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't be spreading it.
• A man at a funeral walks up to the widow and says, "Mind if I say a word?" She says, "Please do". He says "bargain." She says, "Thanks, that means a great deal."
• How did the citrus get to the prom? In a lemonzeen!
• What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm.
• What did the sushi say to the bee? Wassa Bee?
• Do u know why Grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? A common enemy.
• How do trees get online? They just log on.
• How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
• Air used to be free at the gas station. Now it's $1.50. You know why? Inflation.
• When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

Cheesy Dad Joke Puns

Southern Living

• To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
• How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
• What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.
• What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
• How do you organize a space party? You planet.
• Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you can even see it.
• Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.
• How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10 tickles.
• What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
• Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.
• How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool.
• It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.
• Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
• Can February March? No, but April May!
• What does a house wear? A dress.
• How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!
• What kind of award does the world's top dentist get? A little plaque.
• Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's wearable.
• Want to hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in a mud puddle. Want to hear a clean joke? The white horse took a bath.
• Did you hear about the chef who died? He pasta-way.
• Two antennas decided to get married, the ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great!
• Why do seagulls live by the sea? If they lived by the bay, they'd be bagels.
• What do you call a duck on the Fourth of July? A fire-quacker.
• What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
• I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.
• Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
• What goes up and down but doesn't move at all? Stairs.
• I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
• What is a funny mountain called? Hill-arious.
• What do u call an Army of babies? Infantry.

Dad Jokes for Kids

Southern Living

• I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
• What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
• I put your grandma on speed dial the other day. I call it insta-gram.
• What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.
• Why should you wear glasses to math class? Because it helps with division.
• Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
• How does a bee brush its hair? It uses a honeycomb.
• How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
• What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!
• Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.
• Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.
• Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they could spend years at C.
• Which animal never plays by the rules? A cheetah.
• What sound does the engine of a witch's vehicle make? Broooom broooom!
• What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie? Sofishticated.
• What bone will a dog never eat? A trombone.
• Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.
• Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.
• Do you know what's odd? Every other number.
• What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing, they just waved at each other.
• How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.
• Why is cold water so insecure? Because it's never called hot.
• Why did the donut go to the dentist? To get a filling.
• I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
• What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad.
• What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
• What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
• What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.
• Why is it bad to iron your four-leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck.
• What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
• Where do pirates buy hooks? The second-hand store.
• Why didn't the skeleton go on the rollercoaster? It didn't have the guts.
• Why did the birds attack the dog? He was pure bread.

Dad Jokes For Work

• Why was the broom late to work? It over-swept.
• What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
• Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on so many levels.
• Why did the computer sneeze? It had a virus.
• What's Forrest Gump's email password? 1forest1.
• Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
• What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
• What does a gossiping coffee do? Spill the beans.
• Who wins in a fight between Sunday and Monday? Sunday, because Monday is a weekday.
• Why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory? He took a day off.
• I get plenty of exercise at work: Jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
• My colleague and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
• Do you know what can really ruin a Friday? When you remember it's Thursday. 
• Where do computers go to dance? The disk-o.
• I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
• What did the computer do for his lunch break Had a byte. 
• I got fired from my job at the bank today. A customer asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
• When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.
• I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
• Why did the coffee machine file a complaint? It couldn't espresso itself properly!
• How do construction workers party? They raise the roof!
• Why did the copier go to therapy? It had too many paper issues.
• Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
• Why are chemists great at solving problems? Because they have all of the solutions!
• What is it called when someone steals your coffee? A mugging.
• What is a computer's favorite food? Microchips

Dad Jokes During Suppertime

• My son just threw a milk carton at me. How dairy?
• Why do hamburgers make good baseball players? They're good at the plate!
• I was gong to tell you a pizza joke, but it's way too cheesy.
• Why did the banana go to to the doctor? It wasn't peeling well.
• What do you call an average potato? A commentater.
• Did you hear the song about the tortilla? Actually, it was more of a wrap.
• Why do hamburgers make poor witnesses? They won't talk no matter how you grill them!
• What's the best day to eat bacon? Fryday.
• Did you know that hamburgers can hula? Just order it with a shake.
• I once worked as an ice delivery driver. Coolest job I've ever had.
• What is a cat's favorite TV show? The evening mews.
• How do you make a rabbit stew? Keep it waiting.
• What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers.

Dad Jokes On Road Trips

• Ireland's capital is the fastest growing city. Every year it's Dublin.
• What did Delaware? Her New Jersey
• Florida is a really easy place to move to because it has lots of keys.
• What did Tennessee? The same Arkansas.
• What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight? Don't look! I'm changing!"
• What do you get if you cross a bike and a rose? Bicycle petals!
• What part of the car is the laziest? The wheels. They are always tired.
• What did the bus conductor say to the frog? "Hop on."
• Where do cars get the most flat tires? Where there is a fork in the road.
• An officer pulled me over for driving in circles. I was just going for a little spin.
• If goods are damaged in transport, do they become bads?
• I can't get my bicycle to stand up by itself. I think it's because it's two tired.

Dad Jokes From Readers

• "Two sausages were in a frying pan. One rolls over to the other and says, 'It's hot in here!' The other replies, 'Wait, you can talk?' " - Submitted by Abbi Wilt
• "Every single time we passed a cemetery: 'People are just dying to get in there!' " -Submitted by Lynn McWlliams
• "Name some friends that always go out to eat with you... Your tasteBUDS" - Submitted by Nathaniel VineyardWorker Jordan Jr.
• "Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen." - Submitted by Georgia Rotary Student Program
• "Did you know in Hawaii it's actually illegal to laugh really loud? You have to keep it a lo ha." Submitted by Claudia McCabe

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