Ten ways to build your child's self-esteem
Nurturing your child's self-esteem may seem like a hefty responsibility. After all, a feeling of self-worth lays the foundation for your child's future as he sets out to try new things on his own.
"Self-esteem comes from having a sense of belonging, believing that we're capable, and knowing our contributions are valued and worthwhile," says family therapist Jane Nelsen, coauthor of the Positive Discipline series.
"As any parent knows, self-esteem is a fleeting experience," says Nelsen. "Sometimes we feel good about ourselves and sometimes we don't. What we are really trying to teach our kids are life skills like resiliency."
Your goal as a parent is to ensure that your child develops pride and self-respect – in himself and in his cultural roots – as well as faith in his ability to handle life's challenges (for a school-age child that may mean giving a dance performance for you).
Here are ten simple strategies to help boost your child's self-esteem:
Give unconditional love. A child's self-esteem flourishes with the kind of no-strings-attached devotion that says, "I love you, no matter who you are or what you do." Your child benefits the most when you accept her for who she is regardless of her strengths, difficulties, temperament, or abilities.
So, lavish her with love. Give her plenty of cuddles, kisses, and pats on the shoulder. And don't forget to tell her how much you love her.
When you do have to correct your child, make it clear that it's her behavior – not her – that's unacceptable. For instance, instead of saying, "You're so naughty! Why can't you be good?" say, "Please don't throw the ball in the house. A ball is an outside toy."
Pay attention. Carve out time to give your child your undivided attention. That does wonders for your child's feelings of self-worth because it sends the message that you think he's important and valuable.
It doesn't have to take a lot of time. It just means taking a moment to stop flipping through the mail if he's trying to talk with you or putting aside your smartphone long enough to answer a question.
Make eye contact so it's clear that you're really listening to what he's saying. When you're strapped for time, let your child know it without ignoring his needs. Say, "Tell me all about what happened at soccer practice. When you're finished, I need to make our dinner."
Teach limits. Establish a few reasonable, consistent rules for your child. For instance, if you tell her to wear her helmet when she rides her bike in the driveway, don't let her go without it at her friend's house. And if she breaks a rule, be sure she knows what the consequence is beforehand. ("If you don't wear your bike helmet, you don't get to ride your bike.")
Knowing that certain family rules are set in stone helps her feel more secure. She'll start to live by your expectations soon enough. Just be clear and consistent and show her that you trust her and expect her to do the right thing.
Support healthy risks. Encourage your child to explore something new, such as trying a different food, making a new friend, or riding a skateboard. Activities that promote cooperation rather than competition, like mentoring programs or volunteering, are especially helpful in building self-esteem. Though there's always the possibility of failure, without risk there's little opportunity for success.
So let your child safely experiment, and resist the urge to intervene. For instance, try not to "rescue" him the minute he's showing mild frustration at figuring out how to read a tricky word. Jumping in to say, "I'll do it" can foster dependence and diminish your child's confidence. You'll build his self-esteem by balancing your need to protect him with his need to tackle new tasks.
Let mistakes happen. The flip side, of course, of having choices and taking risks is that sometimes your child is bound to make mistakes. These are valuable lessons for your child's confidence.
So if your child misses the school bus because she was dawdling in his bedroom, encourage her to think about what she might do differently next time. That way her self-esteem won't sag and she'll understand that it's okay to make mistakes sometimes.
When you goof up yourself, admit it, says Daniel Meier, assistant professor of elementary education at San Francisco State University. Acknowledging and recovering from your mistakes sends a powerful message to your child – it makes it easier for your child to accept his own difficulties.
Celebrate the positive. Everyone responds well to encouragement, so make an effort to acknowledge the good things your child does every day within his earshot. For instance, tell his dad, "Peter did all his chores today without prompting." He'll get to bask in the glow of your praise and his dad's heartening response.
And be specific. Instead of saying "Good job," say, "Thank you for setting the table for dinner." This will enhance his sense of accomplishment and self-worth and let him know exactly what he did right.
Listen well. If your child needs to talk, stop and listen to what she has to say. She needs to know that her thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions matter.
Help her get comfortable with her emotions by labeling them. Say, "I understand you're sad because you can't go to the sleepover." By accepting her emotions without judgment, you validate her feelings and show that you value what she has to say.
If you share your own feelings ("I'm worried about Grandma. She's very sick."), she'll gain confidence in expressing his own.
Resist comparisons. Comments such as "Why can't you be more like your brother?" or "Why can't you be nice like Evan?" just remind your child of where he struggles in a way that fosters shame, envy, and competition. Even positive comparisons, such as "You're the best player," are potentially damaging because a child can find it hard to live up to this image.
If you let your child know that you appreciate him for the unique individual he is, he'll be more likely to value himself too.
Offer empathy and redirect inaccurate beliefs. If your child compares himself unfavorably to his siblings or peers ("Why can't I throw a football like Nicholas?"), show him empathy and then emphasize one of his strengths. For instance, say, "You're right. Nicholas is good at throwing a football. And you're a fast runner."
And if he goes into a tailspin of negativity and self-doubt ("I can't do math. I'm a bad student."), help him see things in a more realistic light. Say something like, "You are a good student, you just have trouble with math. Let's work on it together and see if we can figure it out."
This can help your child learn that we all have strengths and weaknesses, and that he doesn't have to be perfect to feel good about himself. But if you're concerned that something deeper may be at play, ask your child more detailed questions about school, friends, and how he views himself. You might decide it's best to talk to a counselor or mental health specialist.
Provide encouragement. Every child needs the kind of support from loved ones that signals, "I believe in you. I see your effort. Keep going!" Encouragement means acknowledging progress – not just rewarding achievement. So if your child is struggling with a math problem, say: "You're trying very hard and you almost have it!" instead of "Not like that. Let me do it."
There's a difference between praise and encouragement. One rewards the task while the other rewards the person ("You did it!" rather than "I'm proud of you!").
Praise can make a child feel that she's only "good" if she does something perfectly. Encouragement, on the other hand, acknowledges the effort. "Tell me about the game. I saw you really hustling out there" is more helpful than saying, "You're the best player on the team."
Too much praise can sap self-esteem because it can create pressure to perform and set up a continual need for approval from others. Give your child the message that the effort – and seeing something through to the end – is what's important.
So dole out the praise judiciously and offer encouragement liberally. That will help your child grow up to feel good about herself.
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